Today, for the first time since April 2024, I called out.
No flu.
No fever.
No cough.
Nothing dramatic or easily labeled.
I just didn’t feel like myself.
As a healthcare provider, that can be a hard thing to admit, especially when there isn’t a clear diagnosis or visible symptom to point to. We are trained to push through. To show up. To be dependable. To put others first. And most days, I do that willingly and proudly.
But today was different.
There is a quiet kind of unwell that doesn’t announce itself loudly. It is the heaviness, the fog, the sense that something is off even if you can’t explain it. And when you are responsible for caring for others, that feeling matters. Patients deserve a provider who is present, sharp, and whole, not one simply getting by.
So instead of putting on a face, I stayed home.
That decision was not easy. It never is. I also canceled with my student today, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love teaching. Teaching is part of who I am. It energizes me. It matters deeply to me. Canceling was not taken lightly.
But today was a reminder of something we don’t talk about enough in healthcare. We are human first.
We counsel our patients to listen to their bodies. To rest when something feels off. To take care of themselves before things spiral into something bigger. Yet we often struggle to give ourselves that same grace.
Today, I practiced what I preach.
This was not about weakness or lack of commitment. It was about respect for my patients, my students, and myself. Showing up at less than my best does not serve anyone, and sometimes the most responsible thing a provider can do is pause.
Tomorrow, I will be back doing what I love. Caring, teaching, and leading. But today, I chose honesty over endurance and rest over performance.
And that choice matters too.
Ashley
